mother to son

to my five-month old son...
i wanted a child but never expected it to feel this way. from the moment you were born you changed me completely. in the beginning your screams, your frustration and your pain scared me like never before. i understood then the meaning of the world vulnerable. to hold a life in my hands and not to know what to do with it. to have the responsibility of raising a new person and not to know where to begin.
then came your smiles and life took a new meaning. i didn't know i could mean so much to someone. you saved your best smiles for me and i looked forward to that moment each day. from the moment you wake up every morning or when i step into a room, you illuminate me with that special spontaneous smile but more so with that intense look that says: you're my mommy and you're the one i've been waiting to see all day. did i expect the love to be so intense? did i know that i would feel this sense of purpose and belonging so strongly? nope - i never knew it would be this way.
as you grow up every day i wish for so many things. i want to be able to give you my strength, my intelligence, my special ability to understand others. however i desperately wish that you will not inherit my weaknesses and shortcomings. my dependence on others, my oversensitivity, my tendency to fall into depression whenever i feel hurt or neglected and my addictions. i want you to grow up with a smile on your face and a spring in your step. i want you to know that you are loved - unconditionally - and for this love to help you overcome all obstacles. i wish that you will grow up to be a strong, caring human being who knows what he wants and who works towards getting it. someone who is not scared by obstacles but rather challenged by them. someone who is able to give love and to receive it without turning it into a perverse thing. a man who inspires others and whom people want to be with. i want you to find love. the true kind. the one that lasts and that makes you want to wake up every morning just to live another day with your loved one. the kind that is loyal and that satisfies your every need.
i know life will not be always kind to you but i pray that it will never break you but only make you stronger.
you're my treasure, my miracle, my gift from God. i'm still learning to break my old habits and free myself from my old chains in order to be the mother you deserve. it's harder than i thought and is taking more time that i would like. but i hope that the love i feel for you will be the only thing that you will remember. you are so breathtakingly beautiful, you have the most wonderful laugh and i can already see that you're your own little person. not just an extension of us. my only wish and prayer is that you stay like this. never lose that laugh, never lose your individuality and never lose your appetite for life.
i'm not perfect and i hope that my mistakes will not penalise you. i also hope that should you suffer from some of those mistakes that you will one day forgive me and move on.
i love you my son. more than anyone, more than anything. that's a mother's prerogative. and i want you to always know that you have that kind of love. from the moment you were born and for every single day that you will live. no matter where i will be this love will be yours.